Ideas change everything

There's more to life than being happy

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Emily Esfahani Smith |

TED2017

• April 2017

Our culture is obsessed with happiness, but what if there's a more fulfilling path? Happiness comes and goes, says writer Emily Esfahani Smith, but having meaning in life -- serving something beyond yourself and developing the best within you -- gives you something to hold onto. Learn more about the difference between being happy and having meaning as Smith offers four pillars of a meaningful life.

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Want to use TED Talks in your organization?

Our culture is obsessed with happiness, but what if there's a more fulfilling path? Happiness comes and goes, says writer Emily Esfahani Smith, but having meaning in life -- serving something beyond yourself and developing the best within you -- gives you something to hold onto. Learn more about the difference between being happy and having meaning as Smith offers four pillars of a meaningful life.

Want to use TED Talks in your organization?

This talk was presented at an official TED conference.

Read our curation guidelines.

Learn more about Emily's work and The Power of Meaning.

Start a Ben Franklin Circle. This project is a collaboration with the 92nd Street Y, Stanford University's Hoover Institution and Citizen University to build meaning in local communities.

About the speaker

Emily Esfahani Smith

Journalist, author

See speaker profile

In her book "The Power of Meaning," Emily Esfahani Smith rounds up the latest research -- and the stories of fascinating people she interviewed -- to argue that the search for meaning is far more fulfilling than the pursuit of personal happiness.

Learn more

The Power of Meaning: Finding Fulfillment in a World Obsessed with Happiness

Emily Esfahani Smith | Broadway Books (2017)

Emily Esfahani Smith - *The Power of Meaning: Finding Fulfillment in a World Obsessed with Happiness*

This talk was presented at an official TED conference.

Read our curation guidelines.

Learn more about Emily's work and The Power of Meaning.

Start a Ben Franklin Circle. This project is a collaboration with the 92nd Street Y, Stanford University's Hoover Institution and Citizen University to build meaning in local communities.

Transcript (36 Languages)

I used to think

the whole purpose of life was pursuing happiness.

Everyone said the path to happiness was success,

so I searched for that ideal job,

that perfect boyfriend, that beautiful apartment.

But instead of ever feeling fulfilled,

I felt anxious and adrift.

And I wasn't alone; my friends -- they struggled with this, too.

Eventually, I decided to go to graduate school for positive psychology

to learn what truly makes people happy.

But what I discovered there changed my life.

The data showed that chasing happiness can make people unhappy.

And what really struck me was this:

the suicide rate has been rising around the world,

and it recently reached a 30-year high in America.

Even though life is getting objectively better

by nearly every conceivable standard,

more people feel hopeless,

depressed and alone.

There's an emptiness gnawing away at people,

and you don't have to be clinically depressed to feel it.

Sooner or later, I think we all wonder:

Is this all there is?

And according to the research, what predicts this despair

is not a lack of happiness.

It's a lack of something else,

a lack of having meaning in life.

But that raised some questions for me.

Is there more to life than being happy?

And what's the difference between being happy

and having meaning in life?

Many psychologists define happiness as a state of comfort and ease,

feeling good in the moment.

Meaning, though, is deeper.

The renowned psychologist Martin Seligman says

meaning comes from belonging to and serving something beyond yourself

and from developing the best within you.

Our culture is obsessed with happiness,

but I came to see that seeking meaning is the more fulfilling path.

And the studies show that people who have meaning in life,

they're more resilient,

they do better in school and at work,

and they even live longer.

So this all made me wonder:

How can we each live more meaningfully?

To find out, I spent five years interviewing hundreds of people

and reading through thousands of pages of psychology,

neuroscience and philosophy.

Bringing it all together,

I found that there are what I call four pillars of a meaningful life.

And we can each create lives of meaning

by building some or all of these pillars in our lives.

The first pillar is belonging.

Belonging comes from being in relationships

where you're valued for who you are intrinsically

and where you value others as well.

But some groups and relationships deliver a cheap form of belonging;

you're valued for what you believe,

for who you hate,

not for who you are.

True belonging springs from love.

It lives in moments among individuals,

and it's a choice -- you can choose to cultivate belonging with others.

Here's an example.

Each morning, my friend Jonathan buys a newspaper

from the same street vendor in New York.

They don't just conduct a transaction, though.

They take a moment to slow down, talk,

and treat each other like humans.

But one time, Jonathan didn't have the right change,

and the vendor said,

"Don't worry about it."

But Jonathan insisted on paying,

so he went to the store and bought something he didn't need

to make change.

But when he gave the money to the vendor,

the vendor drew back.

He was hurt.

He was trying to do something kind,

but Jonathan had rejected him.

I think we all reject people in small ways like this without realizing it.

I do.

I'll walk by someone I know and barely acknowledge them.

I'll check my phone when someone's talking to me.

These acts devalue others.

They make them feel invisible and unworthy.

But when you lead with love, you create a bond

that lifts each of you up.

For many people, belonging is the most essential source of meaning,

those bonds to family and friends.

For others, the key to meaning is the second pillar: purpose.

Now, finding your purpose is not the same thing

as finding that job that makes you happy.

Purpose is less about what you want than about what you give.

A hospital custodian told me her purpose is healing sick people.

Many parents tell me,

"My purpose is raising my children."

The key to purpose is using your strengths to serve others.

Of course, for many of us, that happens through work.

That's how we contribute and feel needed.

But that also means that issues like disengagement at work,

unemployment,

low labor force participation --

these aren't just economic problems, they're existential ones, too.

Without something worthwhile to do,

people flounder.

Of course, you don't have to find purpose at work,

but purpose gives you something to live for,

some "why" that drives you forward.

The third pillar of meaning is also about stepping beyond yourself,

but in a completely different way:

transcendence.

Transcendent states are those rare moments

when you're lifted above the hustle and bustle of daily life,

your sense of self fades away,

and you feel connected to a higher reality.

For one person I talked to, transcendence came from seeing art.

For another person, it was at church.

For me, I'm a writer, and it happens through writing.

Sometimes I get so in the zone that I lose all sense of time and place.

These transcendent experiences can change you.

One study had students look up at 200-feet-tall eucalyptus trees

for one minute.

But afterwards they felt less self-centered,

and they even behaved more generously

when given the chance to help someone.

Belonging, purpose, transcendence.

Now, the fourth pillar of meaning, I've found,

tends to surprise people.

The fourth pillar is storytelling,

the story you tell yourself about yourself.

Creating a narrative from the events of your life brings clarity.

It helps you understand how you became you.

But we don't always realize that we're the authors of our stories

and can change the way we're telling them.

Your life isn't just a list of events.

You can edit, interpret and retell your story,

even as you're constrained by the facts.

I met a young man named Emeka, who'd been paralyzed playing football.

After his injury, Emeka told himself,

"My life was great playing football,

but now look at me."

People who tell stories like this --

"My life was good. Now it's bad." --

tend to be more anxious and depressed.

And that was Emeka for a while.

But with time, he started to weave a different story.

His new story was,

"Before my injury, my life was purposeless.

I partied a lot and was a pretty selfish guy.

But my injury made me realize I could be a better man."

That edit to his story changed Emeka's life.

After telling the new story to himself,

Emeka started mentoring kids,

and he discovered what his purpose was:

serving others.

The psychologist Dan McAdams calls this a "redemptive story,"

where the bad is redeemed by the good.

People leading meaningful lives, he's found,

tend to tell stories about their lives

defined by redemption, growth and love.

But what makes people change their stories?

Some people get help from a therapist,

but you can do it on your own, too,

just by reflecting on your life thoughtfully,

how your defining experiences shaped you,

what you lost, what you gained.

That's what Emeka did.

You won't change your story overnight;

it could take years and be painful.

After all, we've all suffered, and we all struggle.

But embracing those painful memories can lead to new insights and wisdom,

to finding that good that sustains you.

Belonging, purpose, transcendence, storytelling:

those are the four pillars of meaning.

When I was younger,

I was lucky enough to be surrounded by all of the pillars.

My parents ran a Sufi meetinghouse from our home in Montreal.

Sufism is a spiritual practice associated with the whirling dervishes

and the poet Rumi.

Twice a week, Sufis would come to our home

to meditate, drink Persian tea, and share stories.

Their practice also involved serving all of creation

through small acts of love,

which meant being kind even when people wronged you.

But it gave them a purpose: to rein in the ego.

Eventually, I left home for college

and without the daily grounding of Sufism in my life,

I felt unmoored.

And I started searching for those things that make life worth living.

That's what set me on this journey.

Looking back, I now realize

that the Sufi house had a real culture of meaning.

The pillars were part of the architecture,

and the presence of the pillars helped us all live more deeply.

Of course, the same principle applies

in other strong communities as well --

good ones and bad ones.

Gangs, cults:

these are cultures of meaning that use the pillars

and give people something to live and die for.

But that's exactly why we as a society

must offer better alternatives.

We need to build these pillars within our families and our institutions

to help people become their best selves.

But living a meaningful life takes work.

It's an ongoing process.

As each day goes by, we're constantly creating our lives,

adding to our story.

And sometimes we can get off track.

Whenever that happens to me,

I remember a powerful experience I had with my father.

Several months after I graduated from college,

my dad had a massive heart attack that should have killed him.

He survived, and when I asked him what was going through his mind

as he faced death,

he said all he could think about was needing to live

so he could be there for my brother and me,

and this gave him the will to fight for life.

When he went under anesthesia for emergency surgery,

instead of counting backwards from 10,

he repeated our names like a mantra.

He wanted our names to be the last words he spoke on earth

if he died.

My dad is a carpenter and a Sufi.

It's a humble life,

but a good life.

Lying there facing death, he had a reason to live:

love.

His sense of belonging within his family,

his purpose as a dad,

his transcendent meditation, repeating our names --

these, he says, are the reasons why he survived.

That's the story he tells himself.

That's the power of meaning.

Happiness comes and goes.

But when life is really good

and when things are really bad,

having meaning gives you something to hold on to.

Thank you.

(Applause)

Footnotes

note

"The data showed that chasing happiness makes people unhappy."

For more on the downsides of happiness, check out "Can Seeking Happiness Make People Unhappy? Paradoxical Effects of Valuing Happiness" by social scientists Iris B. Mauss and her colleagues. I’d also recommend this paper titled "The Pursuit and Assessment of Happiness Can Be Self-Defeating," by social scientists Jonathan W. Schooler, Dan Ariely, and George Loewenstein.

note

"And what really struck me was this: The suicide rate has been rising around the world—and it recently reached a 30-year high in America."

This article in The Economist and this one in the New York Times cover the rising rates of suicide.

note

"Even though life is getting objectively better by nearly every conceivable measure—more people feel hopeless, depressed, and alone."

The Progress Paradox: How Life Gets Better While People Feel Worse by Gregg Easterbrook is full of interesting facts and figures about this puzzle. In his book The Optimistic Child, the psychologist Martin Seligman discusses the rising epidemic of depression. For more on loneliness, see this article by Judith Shulevitz in The New Republic, as well as the book Loneliness by psychologist John Cacioppo and William Patrick.

note

"People who have meaning are more resilient; they do better in school and at work; and they even live longer."

For more on the link between resilience and meaning, I recommend Resilience: The Science of Mastering Life’s Greatest Challenges by psychiatrists Steven M. Southwick and Dennis S. Charney, as well as Upside of Stress by psychologist Kelly McGonigal. See also this paper: "Brief Cognitive Intervention Can Modulate Neuroendocrine Stress Responses to the Trier Social Stress Test: Buffering Effects of a Compassionate Goal Orientation" by James L. Abelson and his colleagues.

Research led by David Yeager and Marlone Henderson of the University of Texas found that students encouraged to think about their purpose did better in school. The title of that paper is "Boring but Important: A Self-Transcendent Purpose for Learning Fosters Academic Self-Regulation." Research led by Wharton’s Adam Grant has shown the link between meaning and work performance. And for longevity, see these papers: "Purpose in Life Is Associated With Mortality Among Community-Dwelling Older Persons," a study by Patricia A. Boyle and her colleagues; and "Meaning in Life and Mortality," a study by Neal Krause.

note

"And according to the research, what predicts this despair is not a lack of happiness. It’s a lack of something else—a lack of having meaning in life."

This is a key finding of fascinating research by social scientists Shigehiro Oishi and Ed Diener published in 2013 in the journal Psychological Science. See also this 2010 paper by psychologist Jean M. Twenge and her colleagues: "Birth Cohort Increases in Psychopathology among Young Americans, 1938–2007: A Cross-Temporal Meta- analysis of the MMPI."

note

"Many psychologists define happiness as a state of comfort and ease—feeling good in the moment. Meaning, though, is deeper. The renowned psychologist Martin Seligman says meaning comes developing the best within you—and also from belonging to and serving something beyond yourself."

In his books Authentic Happiness and Flourish, Martin Seligman writes about this distinction. For more on the difference between meaning and happiness, I recommend these academic papers: ["On Happiness and Human Potentials: A Review of Research on Hedonic and Eudaimonic Well-Being"](http://psych415.class.uic.edu/Readings/Ryan, Happiness - well being, AnnRevPsy, 2001.pdf) by Richard M. Ryan and Edward L. Dec; "Eudaimonia and Its Distinction from Hedonia: Developing a Classification and Terminology for Understanding Conceptual and Operational Definitions" by Veronika Huta and Alan S. Waterman; "Some Key Differences Between a Happy Life and Meaningful Life," by Roy Baumeister, Kathleen Vohs, Jennifer Aaker, and Emily Garbinsky.

Researchers also point out that our motivations differ—some people are motivated by the pursuit of happiness and others by the pursuit of meaning, which has implications for how they behave and feel. For more on our differing orientations to well-being, see "Orientations to Happiness and Life Satisfaction: The Full Life Versus the Empty Life," by Christopher Peterson, Nansook Park, and Martin E. P. Seligman published in the Journal of Happiness Studies in 2005.

note

"Belonging exists in relationships where you’re valued for who you are intrinsically, and where you value others, too."

"The Need to Belong: Desire for Interpersonal Attachments as a Fundamental Human Motivation," published in 1995, is a seminal psychology paper by Roy F. Baumeister and Mark R. Leary. I also recommend this newer paper, which presents the result of a series of studies by Nathaniel M. Lambert and his colleagues: "To Belong is to Matter: Sense of Belonging Enhances Meaning in Life."

note

"True belonging springs from love. It lives in moments among individuals. And it’s a choice. You can choose to cultivate belonging with others."

Research on hospital custodians conducted by Jane E. Dutton, Gelaye Debebe, and Amy Wrzesniewski. described in [this paper](http://webuser.bus.umich.edu/janedut/High Quality Connections/Being valued final.pdf), illustrates how belonging lives in moments: "Being Valued and Devalued at Work: A Social Valuing Perspective."

note

"These acts devalue others—they make them feel invisible and unworthy."

Here are two papers showing that excluding and rejecting others impairs how meaningful they understand their lives to be: "Alone and Without a Purpose: Life Loses Meaning Following Social Exclusion," by Tyler F. Stillman and his colleagues; and "Social Exclusion and the Deconstructed States: Time Perception, Meaninglessness, Lethargy, Lack of Emotion, and Self-Awareness," by Jean M. Twenge, Kathleen R. Catanese, and Roy F. Baumeister.

note

"The key to purpose is using your strengths to serve others."

For a good overview of the research on purpose, see "The Development of Purpose During Adolescence," by William Damon, Jenni Menon, and Kendall Cotton Bronk.

note

"Transcendent states are those rare moments when you’re lifted above the hustle and bustle of daily life, your sense of self fades away, and you feel connected to a higher reality."

The classic work of psychology on mystical experiences is William James’ Varieties of Religious Experience. For a modern take and review of existing literature, see this paper: "The Varieties of Self-Transcendent Experience," by David B. Yaden, Jonathan Haidt, Ralph W. Hood, and Andrew Newberg.

note

"One study had students look up at 200-feet-tall eucalyptus trees—for 1 minute. After, they felt less self-centered and even behaved more generously when given the chance to help someone."

That study is from this paper: "Awe, the Small Self, and Prosocial Behavior," by Paul K. Piff and his colleagues.

note

"But we don’t always realize that we’re the authors of our own stories—and can change the way we’re telling them. Your life isn’t just a list of events. You can edit, interpret, and re-tell your story even as you’re constrained by the facts."

See The Storytelling Animal by Jonathan Gottschall. The idea of "story-editing" comes via the psychologist Timothy Wilson and his book Redirect: Changing the Stories We Live By. And here’s an intriguing study by Adam Grant and Jane Dutton showing how telling a particular story about your life can change your behavior: “Beneficiary or Benefactor: Are People More Prosocial When They Reflect on Receiving or Giving?”

note

"Psychologist Dan McAdams calls this a redemptive story—where the bad is redeemed by the good. People leading meaningful lives, he’s found, tend to tell stories defined by redemption, growth, and love."

McAdams’ work is summarized in his book The Redemptive Self.

note

"But that’s exactly why our society needs to offer better alternatives. I’m seeing that happen now. Schools, companies, even jails—they’re building these pillars within their institutions to help people become their best selves."

I cover some of these efforts in my book The Power of Meaning.